Come one Come all.

2012-02-08T03:37:00.001-08:00

I am drownıng ın my sılence

Each tıme I open my mouth, the words get stuck, ın my throat, on my tongue, between my teeth.

My lıps have raged a war agaınst my words

My words have ragged edges that cannot quıte convey my feelıngs

And my feelıngs have lost theır luster, threadbare wıth the marks of dısappoıntment.

Wıth the wearıness of a war ın whıch

my sılence

has seemed

to take

reıgn of me.

I am viscosity

I am stıll here and you are stıll here

But I’ve begun whısperıng Annabel Lee

And tappıng out a symphony on my skın akın to Ravel’s Bolero

Or even a chaconne..

2011-12-06T01:06:00.001-08:00

the loneliness crept up on him. a stealthy opponent that he had lost the will to armour himself against. the sneakiness caught him by surprise. he realized he had grown cold and callous. he actually gave up on a cold evening many years ago, on an evening he had long ago forgotten about but which kept its tentacles latched into the insides of him. and attacked everything pure and whole that came close to caressing his soul.

2011-11-29T06:41:00.000-08:00

If I were Queen, I would pass a law making it punishable for any adjectives to be used to describe me.

Only possessive nouns would be allowed.

2011-11-29T05:52:00.000-08:00

I would like to apologıze immensely for the sadness in my voice. I cannot find anywhere else to place it and it seems to have taken up residence in my insides.

2011-11-25T07:24:00.001-08:00

Perhaps, you and I are too rough sometimes. Me, as I try in vain, to hide my basorexia for you. And you, as you nonchalantly armor your heart against my advances while whispering unintelligible protests.

Turning my teeth towards yours, shining with my appetence for you and yours, gently trembling as I ravage you blindly, wildly. A slow crescendo. Getting my fill of you, my cacoethes.

(hush hush don’t move) fingertips tracing my chaccone deeper into your skin.

I dismantle you madly, instinctively.
Leaving in the morning, albeit too silently yet fervently.

Overwhelmed, I go in search of rain.

2011-11-24T05:57:00.000-08:00

You see wisps of flashes and you try to get closer. You see past his words and actions and the hurtful way of being that has been ingrained into the pieces that make him him. You disregard the pain he causes because you view yourself a Saint. You try to find his wounds. You try to withstand the maniacal glee he has while stabbing you to pieces with his words. You wish you had an ego that would rise up and rage war against his rather than a heart that softly beckons to the innate goodness you are adament to find. And you are soft inside. You don’t have sharp edges like he does. You can’t protect yourself. You don’t want to. You cannot imagine life that way. The way he lives it. So empty with feeling yet so full of words. Yet you still keep hope and try to be the candle that lights the way for the glimmer you see inside. The glimmer that you want for yourself. It isn’t sainthood – yours - but just an aching need to catch that glimmer that resides between the rotting of his insides. But you should know. Sometimes, what you see is really what there is. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes silence is just silence and not a space pregnant with yearning and meaning and passion. It is what it is. Some things cannnot be taught. Like seeing with your heart and not your eyes. Like cherishing the moments right before the sunset when everything looks shiny and glittery and whole. You just know these things. And, unfortunately, some people just don’t…

2011-11-04T01:21:00.000-07:00

I have a weariness that rests between my eyelashes
I have letters that cannot form - words lodged between my teeth
I have suffocating nightmares in which my soul just. will. not. slumber.

I wake up and the world goes on. I sleep and the world goes on. In between waking and dreaming is my playground. My vast expanse.

In this room, with the curtains drawn. With the lights on. With my fingers caressing my coffee mug. With my sorrowful jazz.

This is where I miss you most..

2011-10-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i forget why. I feel it weighing on me. It eats me apart. It coats my insides and weighs my heart. My body. I flutter but i get more trapped. And i am so exhausted i dont remember why. I am so exhausted from trying to keep myself together. To keep my skin from falling off my body. To keep my heart from skipping beats. To keep my soul from expiring. I try so hard. And i stop and try to remember why ? and then i remember… I remember everything. It comes crashing into my like a tsunami slamming into my very being. And i am so very weary. I am so very sorry. I dont know how much longer i can keep this up. Im trying. I really am. But it is so tiring. I cant even lift my hands up to wipe away my tears. I cannot sleep for fear of forgetting. And then remembering. Its the re-remembering that gets me every time…

2011-10-07T01:20:00.001-07:00

Cumlelerının arasında kendımı buluyorum. Kelımelerın kaplıyor, ısıtıyor
Harflerının arasında kadınları goruyorum. Kelımelerın boguyor, yakıyor

Dusundukce yoruluyorum.

2011-10-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

her grief astounds her insides
containing it has become tedious and tiresome.

she does not believe in your smile
yet she aches to see
if it will blind her as she imagines it would.

she touches the air where she knows
your molecules have passed
in the past
you are the past.

slipping falling crawling slippery vicious
a melody that follows her
playing in her head, constantly.
haunting taunting.

her insides are ill but she cannot speak
dancing whirling
such a bereft expression between her teeth.

monday right after sunday
blues to the bones
coffee so cold and lonesome yet so true.
so pure.

her intentions got strangled in between the racous of your words
the grotesque shape of your mouth
the illness spreading from you
permeating the air and resting inside.

that heavy something found itself stuck between her eyelashes.
she refined herself
so however much she sinks underneath your words
she will shine
in you.

2011-08-24T06:04:00.000-07:00

Içim içime sinmiyor.
Ruhum parmaklarımdan akarak gidiyor.

Gözlerimde fırtınalar ama gösterememek beni boğuyor.

Tamam derken, oldu derken, tekrar fırtınalara kapılmak. Tekrar kendi aklımın içersinde kaybolmak. Korku dehşet saçan o hayalgücüm.
Kıvrılmam gerek. Yorgunum. Çok yorgun.

Bilip yapamamak. Yapıp bilmemek. Kafatasımdakı o korkunç çığlıklar yankılanıyor.

Delilerin gülüşüne sahip oldum sen görmeyeli. Ordan burdan topladım süsledim tenimi. Kapladım kendimi yaralarla. Sen geldiğinde sanat eserini göstermek dileğiyle.

Gece yarısı sıçradığını biliyorum. O içine attığın anları, kendine yakıştırmayıpta genede yaptıklarının vicdan azabıyla boğuştuğunu biliyorum. Ben aslında çok şey biliyorum. Hep söylerdin bana. Çok bilmişimde bir kendime çarem yokmuş meğersem.

Şimdi asıl mesela, seninle birlikte mı boğulsam yoksa tek başıma yüzmeye mi çalışsam..

Ne dersin ey varlığı kanıtlanmamış kahraman?

2011-08-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

Darling.
This.
Song.
Is.
For.
You.

sexnjazzinyourbloodrushingabout
Doyoufeeltherushinside?

Oh yeah...

You can't be sad when the world has music like this. And places like Positano. And heady Spanish wine rich with berry undertones.

Now.. can you ?

2011-08-16T07:08:00.000-07:00

but he tells you he's serene and calm and happy. and you want to punch him. cause him pain. let him realize that you are not OK and that you are swimming in a sea of haze. a sea of haze that he caused. and you feel ashamed that you feel this way. you say you love him. so how could you wish him harm. oh but you do. grievous harm. you want him to be sad and weepy and melancholic. you want to be his saviour and his balm. but no. he takes that from you. your eyes send daggers. but you smile. you say , "oh that is so nice to hear. i am so happy for you". but you don't mean it. just like he didn't mean it when he said so many little things that added up to something BIG. you feel contrite. you feel ashamed. you want him happy. you wish him well. you turn to go. from the corner of your eye you see him watching you. for signs of what he calls "falling-apart madness". but you are clever. you hide it well. you won't give him the satisfaction. you walk away. he stand there. you don't turn. you never do. he never knows the truth. he never will. you like it that way.

2011-08-10T07:30:00.000-07:00

You ask me where I am. It is difficult to tell you when you have limited knowledge of those infinitely minute details that make life life.

I am between the crisp sounds your bedsheets make at night when you fall heavily into them.

I am poised between the words my favorite poets have written. You have to look for me, search for me, cajole me to give you an inkling as to where I am.

I am found in the depths of the sea, as far as I can go while holding my breath and looking for lost treasure, I am a mermaid, or a submarine, or anything free and wild and dangerous.

I am between the raindrops you try to catch on your tongue.

Somtimes, I am a whisper in your hair, calling you like a Siren. Other times I am the wind caressing your cheek.

I am meandering between the freckles on your back. The ones you cannot reach. The ones that beckon to my lips.

I am everywhere.

Yet I am no where.

2011-07-28T04:10:00.001-07:00

there is a seductive way in which i imagine our hands will meet.
                                       there will be a great crescendo. a clashing of our wills. a merging of the steel will in our minds.
there will be a tentativeness that you will find alarming.
                                                                and wave upon wave of pure emotion will echo over you and you will be left breathless and thoughtless. that is what i imagine.
                                                                                            that is the prelude.

2011-07-08T00:04:00.000-07:00

You don't know this but.. I think of you almost every second of every day.

I see people. And I pretend they are you. They are us. And I look at them. And they look at me. And I pretend we are having a love affair from afar.

This kills my insides. This makes me less than whole. This makes me want to go to them and shake them and scream your name.

I feel you inside of me. Still slithering around. And I am vulnerable. Even though I seem strong to you. Even though I left you with a vengeance. I am vulnerable. I find you between the notes of my favorite composers. And this is my salvation.

2011-05-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

Ozlem oyle birsey ki.. Kendini tuttukca, onune gecmeye calistikca, cogalir.

Ama kalbin oyle kiriktir ki, oyle yaralanmissindir ki, o ozleme asla ses veremezsin.

Iste boyle birsey..

2011-05-30T14:57:00.001-07:00

Bu satirlarimi okumayacagini bilerek yaziyorum. Kendime yaziyorum. Belkide kirilan dahada kirilgan olan kalbime, gururuma, aklima, ruhuma yaziyorum. Son sozlerini okudugumda, sanki icim kavruldu.. Yandi yandi.. Yanmadan bulandim kayboldum yok oldum. Kendimi buldugumda , ben ben degildim. Kendimi taniyamaz oldum.

Dusunmemek icin oyle bir ruh haline burundum ki.. Tartiyorum. Verdiklerimle aldiklarimi. Belki baslarda yapmam gerekeni sonlarda yaptigim icin kaybettim. Belki gercekten zararin basinda donmek kardir. Belki bazen kacmak gerek. Savasmamak gerek. Yara bere icinde kendi basina kalmamak gerek. Belki korkak olmak gerek. Korkulara savas actikca bogulmaktansa, cesaretsiz olmak gerek. Korkulara yenik dusmek gerek.

Bilemiyorum ki. Yazdikca sacmaliyorum farkindayim. Yaralarima dokunmasamda, cizliyorlar. Her yerim cizliyor. Baktigim hersey gozumu acitiyor. Duydugum her ses icimde cinliyor. Yetmiyor. Sessizlikte yetmiyor seslerde yetmiyor. Kendi salakligim boguyor beni. Sessizce, itinayla yok oluyorum.

Sucu sadece kendimde aramaya calisiyorum. Erdemli olmaya calisiyorum. Gururuma yenik dusmemeye calisiyorum. Zorlamadin ya beni ? Goz gore gore atladim bu ise. Yanliz gordugum, sandigim, hissettigim yol bu degildi. Sonu bu degildi. Hersey olabilirdi. Ama bu olmamaliydi.

Sandim. Guvendim. Istedim. Savastim. Arzuladim. INANDIM.

Bu kadar mi hikaye icindeymisim. Bu kadar mi hasarlarina layik goruldum. Bu kadar mi acimasizligi hak ettim. Bunlarda kendine sorman gereken sorular. Ama bildigim tek sey var.. er ya da gec vicdanin seninle yuzlesecek. Hesabi bana degil, ona vereceksin.

Benim icin gitme vakti geldi. Kabus dolu gecelerin sonu geldi. Kendimle gurur duyuyorum herseye ragmen.

Ben inandim, ben sevdim, ben savastim. Kaybetsemde. Sarsilsamda. Ben herseyimi verdim. Tum guzelliklerimi sundum. Ve biliyorum ki, herseye ragmen, dogrusunu yaptim.

Ya sen?

2011-05-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

my words have gotten stuck
in places best left unsaid.

i'm sorry in advance for any inconvenience
i may
cause you.

but

as we both know,
if any inconvenience was to be had,
then words would not
have gotten stuck..

2011-05-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its best to stop using your mind.
Stop using your eyes.
Stop using every single sense.

Use your heart instead.
It can never be tainted.
Let it lead the way...

Separation Serenade

2011-05-08T06:24:00.000-07:00

I'll say i don't believe you , even when i do.

& that will be my talisman..

against the future hurts and pains i am sure you will inflict.

i think of you when i listen to this...

2011-05-08T06:11:00.000-07:00

a breathtaking feeling of freedom, of softness, of love, of being, of peace, of everything, of everything you ever wanted to feel safe rolled into one perfect person..

the wind caressing your skin, slipping through your hair..

tasting him on your lips, like coming home in a salty kind of way..

being crowned with a melange of passion and peace..

2011-05-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

While lounging about...
Listening to Baroque...
Drinking Romate Cardenal Cisneros Pedro Ximenez..

With you.

Or Listening to This...

2011-05-07T01:09:00.000-07:00

Everything viscous and solemnly tainted. Has set up residence in the chambers. Of my heart.
Hope, peeking with a mad look about its eyes, has frozen me in place.

The moons orchestra. The ebb and flow of the ocean. At night.
My own orchestra. The push and pull of desires. Cloaked in glittery repulsion.

The recesses of my mind. Have come to terms. With this atrocity.

A love song. Missing its cadence. Jumping all over itself. Trying oh so hard, oh so much, oh so late.
Why Do I Feel So Black & Blue ?

2011-05-07T00:41:00.000-07:00

I wish I could. I wish I could "not give in". I wish I could. I wish I could "just not chase love".

Rachel's - Last Things Last

2011-05-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

Catalunya, as seen by me.

2011-05-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

It's a place you find yourself in.
When you are exhausted mentally. From trying to chase a rainbow. From trying to hold on to quicksand.

You don't like this place. You don't like this you.
Even though you don't like to give up, you know it's better than giving yourself up.

You realize that if something is true and right, its brilliance will always shine through.
You don't like this murky place you've find yourself in. But you hold the keys. So you walk away. And you don't look back.

You aren't sad. You realize that you are full of love. And you realize that while you leave pieces of your heart around, you still take the largest piece with you.

You tried. You lost. You did good.

2011-05-06T03:59:00.000-07:00

there is a soft veneer covering her true nature.
her feelings are digging deeper whereas the luminescence glow from past betrayals are burning bright.

do you see what she sees?
can you feel what she feels?

she notices the unnoticed.
she sees your flaws and adds them to her wounds.
can you see?

she holds on. she tries. she looks about nonchalantly. she needs. she feels. she craves. she knows. she bleeds. she smiles. the smile of a disappearing chesire cat.

she doesn't want a them. she wants a you. but the distance from here, to there is splitting her seams.

she'd rather you give her your unabridged version. she'd rather see your all, sooner rather than later. she knows how time changes things. how time takes things. how time tricks you. she'd rather have you now. she'd rather trick Father Time. just once. wouldn't you ?

2011-05-05T03:24:00.000-07:00

bazen uzaklaşmak gerek.
kendinden, insanlardan, herşeyden.
saflığını bulman gerek bazen.

kaybettiğin gülümsemeni, pırıltını, huzurunu.
yara bere kaldığında kalbin, kaplayabilmelisin kendini,
koruyabilmelisin, sessiz durabilmelisin.

isyanlarını sevmelisin,
okşamalısın,
avutmalısın.

ama içinde tutmalısın,
bırakmamalısın,
eritmelisin..

sessiz kalmalısın. isyanlarını dindirmelisin.

derin nefeslerle özüne inmelisin, ışığını orda bulmalısın.
nefesle nefsini yenmelisin.

sen sen olmalısın.

2011-05-05T03:15:00.000-07:00

You know what I think disappointment basically is?

It's basically your abundance of imagination.You find these gaps in people, or instances, or places, and you fill those gaps with your own special colors and scents and tastes.

The gaps in people that you cannot see, are an intoxicating blank canvass just waiting to be devoured by your mind. You imagine them more of everything. More shiny, more gallant, more brave, more lovable, more charming, more truthful. Just more of everything.

And those situations you were in? In which you never could figure out just WHY oh WHY did that happen, well you fill those up with mental plaster. You paint them shades of rose and shades of yellow and perhaps a splash of blue.

And when you see the rust peep through, or your paint just isn't quite right, well thats when it all falls apart love. That's when you are smack dab in the middle of Disappointment.

It's not your fault really, it's just that your imagination sometimes just gets a tad out of hand. Reel it in, or just let it be. But never forget that sometimes people , places, things just aren't what they seem....

.

2011-05-05T02:32:00.001-07:00

I know you’ve been hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to write before.
The words just stuck to my fingers and I couldn’t get them untangled.

2011-04-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

topladiklarimizla var olmaya calisiriz.
kimilerini calariz baska kalplerden. kimileri ganimetimiz ruhsal savaslardan.

butun olmaya calisiriz bu kirintilarla. arariz birseyler, ama neler bilemeyiz. sorsaniz, cevap alamayiz.

birileri bazi laflar eder, icimizi acitir, ama nedenini bilemeyiz. tekrar kaplariz kendimizi. kirintilarla.

2011-04-06T06:51:00.000-07:00

Içimdeki hüznü tarif etsem sende boğulursun.

Görünmeyen çemberin içersinde hapsolan. Sessiz çığlıklar atan. Masum isyanlar altında ezilen.

Ben.

Güzel bir tabloyu yıkmak gibi, emekle büyüttüğün çiçeği parçalamak gibi. Kaybetmek gibi. Geri dönememek gibi. Ilerleyememek gibi. Kalmak gibi. Var olmamak gibi.

Gibi işte.

Gözyaşlarını yutmak. Kafanı dik tutup ruhunu eğmek. Kandırmak. Kendinide onlarıda.

Sessizlik.

2011-04-05T06:17:00.001-07:00

"I have frequently seen people become neurotic when they content themselves with inadequate or wrong answers to the questions of life. They seek position, marriage, reputation, outward success of money, and remain unhappy and neurotic even when they have attained what they were seeking. Such people are usually confined within too narrow a spiritual horizon. Their life has not sufficient content, sufficient meaning. If they are enabled to develop into more spacious personalities, the neurosis generally disappears."
-Carl Jung

2011-04-05T04:23:00.000-07:00

- I can tell you my story if you are ready to hear it. But you must have a certain je ne sais quoi that lets you interpret between the lines. Are you ready?

- I think so.

- No you musn't think. You must know! That is the first step I think you should take care of. I mean Descartes may have said you should think, but I don't necessarily think it leads you to knowing. So tell me, are you ready?

- Yes, yes. Alright just go on.

- See for example you didn't interpret between the lines. You didn't get that I have little patience for this sort of thing.

- Are you trying to confuse me?

- Darling, why would I do that? I am just trying to see if I am right. But we are getting off track here, wouldn't you say? No no, don't answer that. Do you know, I read Nicomachean Ethics today and I was just bursting to share.

- Aa ok.

- But I didn't have anyone to share with! I mean I have tons but not really. Does that make sense? Is there anyone out there that can actually take apart the words in that treatise and debate it with me? I mean I know they are there, but not here. Not next to me, like you. No no. I am boring you again. I am truly sorry.

- It's ok. Just go on and tell me what you wanted to tell me.

- Well actually when you put it that way..

- Go on!

- I don't think you would understand.

- Just try!

- Well it wouldn't be me trying, it would be you trying. Trying to understand what I'm saying. But I think I am tired of all of that. I think there comes a time when we just slow down. Don't you think so?

- So you are tired then?

- Actually I'm not, I'm sure if I found someone to discuss this with then I would really be ecstatic. Jumping up and down. But, alas, I am still trying.

- I don't understand.

- I know.

2011-04-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

i forget you sometimes. without really knowing you.

i see glimpses of you. in the gust of wind that tames the tree. in the leaves that get stuck in my hair. in the dust in my eye.

i forget you sometimes. until i read something, or hear something, or smell something that reminds me of what you could be. what you should be. what you might be.

i see glimpses of you, inside of me.

2010-12-18T04:49:00.000-08:00

you may think you know the truth. you may think you have all the answers. you may truly, passionately believe this..

but you may also have a flicker. a maybe. a might have been. that's still locked in your mind somewhere.

perhaps you can't let yourself let go of your ego. perhaps your ego doesn't want to let go of you?

but you can't fight fire with fire. sometimes to stay alive you have to know when to flow like water, or when to be solid like sand.

you have to know how to look past your own judgements and realize that everyone has reasons, everyone has scars, everyone has mistakes.

you cannot be an executioner and expect mercy. you cannot be cruel and expect surrender.

you need to decide. in the end you are always with you. only you. can you live with words you've said? can you live with hurts -real or imagined- that you have caused? can you?

that's what I thought..

2010-12-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

Like charcoal rendering whiteness tainted,
your flippant disregard for my vulneralabilites
have caused me alarm.

I am paralyzed by the voiceless
accusations my feelings have assaulted
me with.

My silence will cost me more than
my words have. But that is the
price I will pay for reclaiming
my own.

2010-10-01T00:27:00.000-07:00

hepinizi çok farklı sevdim.

Kiminizin içindeki o masum ışığı, kiminizin gülüşünü, kiminizin serseri bakışlarını.

Öyle bir sevgi ki, her hayalkırıklığımda, her gidişimde, kendime ait parçalar biraktım.

Birikti.. çok birikti.

Sesinde sesimi, gözlerinde gözlerimi, parmaklarında bedenimi arar oldum. Kendimi arar, kendimi bulamaz oldum.

Sessizsem eğer, sessizleşiyorsam eğer, bu söyleyeceğim sözümün kalmadığı manasına gelmez.
Sade ve sadece, herşeyimi verip herşeyimi kaybettikten sonra, sözlerimi kendime saklar oldum..

2010-09-29T00:48:00.001-07:00

The most unbearably staggering case of sorrow would be the one in which a wounded ego wages war against a broken heart.

The ego, wearing a cloak of night and the cunning madness of an african lion, stalks the broken heart.

There is no future, there is no past. Only the all-consuming panic and fear that one will be engulfed in a myriad of darkness.

2010-08-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

Alışmak istersin bazen. O acı veren şeylere.
Gözlerin sımsıkı kapalı hayal edersin toz pembe diyarları..

Bir yumruk gibi aklına gelir yaşananlar.
Geleceğinde görduğun o hatıraları hatırlamak.. o anları tekrar tekrar yaşamak.

ve sonrasında gerçeklerle yüz yüze kalmak. veya kalabilmek.

2010-06-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

sözlerim "beni sevme" diye yalvarıyor
ama gözlerım nolur kal diye haykırıyor..

istiyorum!
herşeyi!
seni, beni, bizi.
ama içinde ona ait kırıntıları görmek isyanımdır.

yanlış anlama.. sana değil isyanım,
kendime.

bana sunulan herşeyi alaycı tavırlarla yok ettiğim gibi
bana sunulmayan herşeyide sonsuz bir iştahla istiyorum..
istiyorum..
istiyorum..

hem sunulsun hem isteyim.
hem doyumsuz olayim hemde doyabileyim.

yetmeni istiyorum bana!

ben sana yeterim, ben zaten aradığın herşeyim, ben rüyalarınım, kabuslarınım, korkularınım, kurtarıcınım..

yeterki gel.. gel.. gel..

ve git dediğimdede Gitme.
savaş ve seviş,
hırçın ol, sevgi ol, huzur ol, şiddet ol.

bunların hepsi ol
ol.
ol ki, teslimiyetin zaferini sende tadayım!

2010-06-16T00:38:00.000-07:00

creeping along the relationships of life
i weave a path of glossamar strength

i take what you give me
and weigh it against my soul

perhaps sometimes i am misguided
i may hold what you give me a little too tightly
a little too loosely
a little too much
a little too little

but when my judgement clears
(and it always does)
and my heart calms down
(and it always will)
and my mind can speak again
(and it always can)

i can see that what you offer is not a balm for my soul
nor for my heartaches
nor for my heartbreaks
nor for my teardrops
nor for my sleepless nights i toss and turn.

you offer me another tangled mess
you offer me conditional intimacy
you offer me less than whole

so my soul cannot accept this offer
even if my heart cannot bear to see you go
(for sometimes its a tad bit emotional)
my mind and soul are my beacons in this dark world we live in.

and the darker it gets
the more i see the stars, the moon, the glitter of Love
and i wait.

but while waiting, i sometimes look at the pieces i was offered before
the half-hearted, conditional, oh-so-gaudy attempts others have made
and i smile a bit as they sift out of my fingers
and i am whole, and free, and beautiful
all on my own.

2010-06-15T07:32:00.000-07:00

yanlış yaptığım zamanlar oldu. çok oldu..
ama doğrularımı ancak oyle buldum.

yanlış taptığım insanlar oldu. çok yanlış..
ama değerlerimi bulmama yardımcı oldu.

yanlış baktığım gözler oldu.
gözlerime güvenmeyi oğrenmiş oldum..

seni Sen sanıp, soyleyemedığım oldu..
iyiki söylememışım dediğim çoktu.

içini gördüğümü sandığım, ruhunu istediğim, tenini kendime katmayı arzuladığım, seni Sen yapan herşeyın, Ben olmasını istediğim oldu..

oldu da oldu..
sadece oldu.

2010-06-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

Varlığım varlığını tatmak istiyor.
Masum bakışlarla seni izlediğim günleri anlatmak istiyor..

Sen ona gülerken, gözündeki parıltı olmak ıstedığım geceleri . Ama sen mutlusun diyede içimdeki tatlı hüzünu kabullendiğimi anlatmak istiyor gözlerim gözlerine.

Sana dokunup, parmak uçlarımda ruhunu hissetmek istiyor ruhum.

Bir yanım diyor ki, git haykır ona, inandir ona, göster ona.

Ama o diğer yanım.. korkak platonik ümitli sessiz sabırlı diğer yanım..
Bekle diyor o yanım..

2010-05-12T05:44:00.000-07:00

Suskunlugum kırgınlıgımdan kalan mıras
Sanma kı bır tek sen yarattın bu golgeyı
Senden oncelerıde kattı bırseyler elbette kı

En buyuk acılar, dıle getırılemeyen acılardır
Icınde buyur – sınsıce sarar – bır hastalık gıbı senı dılsız kılar
Oysa bende ısterdım hep gulmeyı .. sevebılmeyı ..

Bu defa son dedıgım oldu. Gerı cagırdıgımda oldu.
Sensız yaparım ben dıyıp arkamı dondugum oldu.
Arkamı donmem gıtmek ıcın degıldı kı.
Sadece gozyaslarımı gızlemektı amacım.

Dokundugum tenler oldu. Tattıgım dudaklar.
Sonunda ama ırkıldım hep gızlıce kactım gecenın karanlıgında.

Kal demeden kalmamı saglayanı aradım ıssız sokaklarda.
Cıkmaz yollarda kendımı kaybettıgımde, kendıme yastan bır elbıse dıktım.
Kapladım kendımı , gurur duydum yaralarımla.

2010-05-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

you can't move your fingers. or open your lips.
you try but you can't fill your lungs with air.

your eyes go blink blink blink but the tears won't fall.

you breath slower and slower. trying to keep the calm.
but the storm is raging inside.

you think you can , you think you can, but you can't..

2010-04-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

its promises made on rainy days.
with the raindrops as witnesses.

its dreams in techicolor,
that turn grey in reality.

its sadness in the middle of the night.
with no bed to call its own.

IT IS PAPER-MACHE HEARTS MADE INTO PINATAS.

2010-03-11T08:39:00.000-08:00

Do I seem strong to you now? Do I seem unbreakable?

Is it because you weren't there to see the tears fall.

or

Is it because I never ran back, I never turned around, I never called, I never reached out to you.

Perhaps I was too proud to let you see the sadness in my eyes, perhaps I cared too much to hurt you. Perhaps I thought you would pull me back into your world, that you wouldn't want me to go.

Perhaps I was wrong.

It still hurts sometimes. I smile my smile, and I laugh my laugh. But I sleep with the light on now. and I cry in the shower now. and sometimes I smell you on my skin but then I wake up...

I see strangers and pretend they are us. And I pretend that we are in love. And that you would move the earth and sky for me. Sometimes I pretend you hold my hand through my nightmares. Sometimes you pick a flower for me and hand it to me while blushing. Other times you feed me ice cream and it drips on me. One day you sang to me a made-up song of stars and lemon trees. You tell me you love the smell of grass, and I say, "yes yes me too!". I tell you to close your eyes and trace my skin with your fingertips. You tell me you love me and always had and always will.

That is my pretend world. But I am a grown-up now.

I am unbreakable and strong.

But tell me love, are you happy now?

2010-01-24T06:27:00.000-08:00

Kadın tekrar kapıdan gırer.
Bugun dunden farklı, bugune aıt ızlerı yuzunde ellerınde gozlerınde.
Hep donup dolasıp bu kapıdan gırer tekrar tekrar
Ama cıkarken bılırsın kı, "bır daha donmem" yemınlerı eder.

Kendısını arar her gozlerı degdıgı gozde.
Kendısını arar her parmakları degdıgı yuzde.
Kendısını arar her soylenen kelımede, her soylenen sozde.

Bulamayıncada doner bır hırsla, bır hırcınlıkla, bır hayalkırıklıgıyla.
Doner dolasır kendısıne. Kalesıne. Kapıyı tekrar acar ve tekrar kapar.

Taa kı bır dahakı sefere..

2010-01-19T05:12:00.000-08:00

you taught me things..

you taught me that if people go, you shouldn't stop them.. that if they want to stay they will.

you taught me not to judge people, until you have lived every single thing they have lived through.

you taught me that love is unconditional, that it just IS even if the receiver is not there.

you taught me to wait and wait and that patience is a virtue.

2010-01-18T03:44:00.000-08:00

the sadness makes your backbone weaker. makes you believe in wishbones, and sparkles, and happily ever afters.. but in reality you are getting stronger..

you may not realize at the time, when the door slams in your face just because it can. but you will understand later on in time, when a simple caress of your cheek will cause fluttering down your body.

you will look to find fault within yourself. look deep for the fault lies in not knowing your worth. once you find that voice that tells you you are weak, snuff it out.

you are your own worst enemy. look but within to see the truth.

for those who are with you, are with you and those that go, will always go.

remember you will be loved, for who you are and what you were. for all that you may be and all that you are. remember you are loved.. now and forever more.

2010-01-14T00:53:00.000-08:00

You don't have to choose. You don't have to go left or right, straight or back. You don't have to move forward or two steps back. You don't have to decide. You can just "Stop!" and be. Just stop and breathe. Just be. Be still.

2010-01-05T01:16:00.001-08:00

2010-01-05T00:12:00.000-08:00

Be still my weeping heart
There in between the yesteryears and tomorrows lies a stillness you must conquer.

Be still my weeping heart
For I know the abyssmal despaır cloakıng your luminescence gloss.

Be still my weeping heart
Shivering from the could-have would-have beens, you mustn’t let go.

Be still my weeping heart
For I can no longer cover your aches with love.
Be still..

2009-12-28T13:21:00.000-08:00

you feel it sometimes. the hope. the fleeting glimpse of heaven. in the loved ones eyes. in a simple caress. in a word spoken out of context. in a promise of beauty to come. you hold on to it and put it in a special place inside of you. to take out and look at and cherish. and you hope to carry it with you forever...

2009-12-21T05:33:00.000-08:00

It gives me strength knowing you are out there. Knowing you are special.

It gives me hope knowing that you loved me. I will be loved like that again.

2009-12-17T06:27:00.001-08:00

It's depression time again.
I felt it coming and tried to ward it off. You know the feeling.. I took the pills on time, I read shiny happy stories, I surrounded myself with loved ones.. but you know the feeling when you start to slip. When you start to be unable to fill those cracks with happy-putty.

And after a while you are in a place so dark and terrible that even smiling when YOU MUST feels like it saps all of your energy. All you want to do is sleep, but you can't even do that ! You lay awake or you take sleeping pills or you find a reason to cry and don't stop.

And one day maybe you see a glimmer.. of hope. of love. of anything that can save you from this abyss. but the more you chase it the more it runs. an elusive rainbow. why would a lovely rainbow want to have a conversation with the depressive black cloud that you have become?

but I am trying. some days perhaps I dont feel so numb, and I try to make plans for the future. But some days I just want to hide from the world. and some days I want to conquer it and make it eat out of the palm of my hand!

so for now I am still trying. keep trying little one. if I can make it, so can you!

2009-10-30T02:46:00.000-07:00

there it is. the divide - the abyss! the wondrous emptiness.
and a purity that could not be soiled.
deep inside - you feel at home. a darkness, a fog that encases you.
you are safe

but you cannot stay - you are covered in scales
hiding your true self , your protection , your haven, your walls
your scales of justice..

she sees inside, she is inside.
she seeks you there. she fights and cajoles and begs and prays...
she wants to be the wings to help you soar.
little does she know, you cant leave, you cant weep, you cant BE.

and when the HAIL ALL MIGHTY - HAIL MARY - joyous wondrous day comes you scream for her
but she's gone.. and she is free.

2009-08-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

başlamadan bitti bebeğim.
başlamadıysa tabi..
dikenler sardı içimi. kalbımı. ruhumu.
himayem gitti.

dönme bakma ağlama.
geriye bıraktığın bir yıkım.
gururlanmanın başyapıtı.

geriye bakma bebeğim.

2009-06-24T05:24:00.000-07:00

2009-04-21T03:50:00.000-07:00

would you believe.. i miss you..

and not the sharp pangs that eat you whole.. no no not that simple.
its more an aching inside, that you dont feel constantly, but every now and then its sharp fangs sink in a little deeper.. and you know you are losing the battle.. but you can never ever come closer, or go farther.. its always there, just out of reach..

i am trying to protect you from me.

but

i miss you..

2008-09-18T06:35:00.000-07:00

Being brokenhearted is like having a broken rib. Everything looks fine from the outside, but every breath hurts. -- Greg Behrendt.

foolish games
you took your coat off and stood in the rain,

you were always crazy like that

and i watched from my window,

always felt i was outside looking in on you

you were always the mysterious one

with dark eyes and careless hair,

you were fashionably sensitive,

but too cool to care

you stood in my doorway,

with nothing to say

besides some comment on the weather

well in case you failed to notice,

in case you failed to see,

this is my heart bleeding before you,

this is me down on my knees

these foolish games are tearing me apart

your thoughtless words are breaking my heart........

you´re breaking my heart

you were always brilliant in the mornings

smoking your cigarettes,

and talking over coffee

your philosophies on art,

baroque moved you,

you loved mozart

and you´d speak of your loved ones

as i clumsily strummed my guitar

well excuse me, guess i´ve mistaken you for somebody else

somebody who gave a damn,

somebody more like myself.....

2008-09-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

Ruhumun mutlulugu..
Aska daır yazdıgım bu sıırı okur musun bılmem
Sensızlıgın ılk gunumu aglarken basladıgımı bılır mısın bılmem
Bu sabah gunesın dogmadıgını, yıldızların kayboldugunu, dun geceden berı esır alındıgım karanlıgı bılır mısın bılemem
Ama karanlıktan korktugumu, sensız adım atmaktan korktugumu hatırlarsın bılırım..

Kavrulmadan sonmeden yandım , ıcımdekı herseyı aleve verdım ama senı kendıme sakladım
En derınde en korunaklı yerıme gızledım.. ne ben ne sen ne bır baskası yok edemeyecek asla..
Hep gızlı hep saklı hep masum kalacaksın.. buyumeyen mınıgım.. ayrılıgın cırkınlıgını ve yıkımını yasamayacaksın..
Ben ıkımız ıcınde kaldırırım bu yuku..

Bazen ne yaptıgımı bılemedım, cogu zaman senınde ne yaptıgına anlam veremedım
O zamanlar ınce bır sıtem ıcersındeydım, ama asla sevgısız degıldım..
Kendımden bıle korudum senı, kızamadım kıyamadım bırakamadım...
Sevmenın sarhoslugu uzerımdeydı, buyulu gozler sozler hapsetmıs gıbı yerımden kımıldayamadım..
Duygularım darmadagın, dustugum kuyu derın ama sarhosum hala..

Sana yansıtmadıgım buyuk yuklerım, acılarım, endıselerım, korkularım..
Iyı kotu guzel cırkın tutkulu uykulu mutlu kederlı gulerek aglayarak besledıgım sevgıyı..

Gozlerım nemlı, sesım bugulu, ayrılık ıcımı parcalamıs olsada, benım ıcın uzulme..
Nasıp olamadı herseyınde ılk olmam.. hep baskaların golgesınde kaldım..
Her secımınde benden vazgectın..
Gunesını alamadım, buyuyemedım guclenemedım..
Parmaklarını dudaklarını gozlerını nefesını hıssedemedım..
Golgelerde saklandım, hıc secılmedım, bılırsın ıcım yaralı..

Gecmısı sıldım coktan, herseyde ben secılseydım, yaralarımıda sarabılırdım tek basıma..
Goz yaslarımı ıcıme akıtıyorum, kırgınlıgımı bogabılırsem, nefesımıde gerı kazanabılırım umıdıyle..

Artık sessızım.. bakan bır korum.. seven bır golgeyım..
Hep sevdım dusunmedım sevdım..
Aldatmadım, vazgecemedım, susamadım, bırakamadım, nefret etmedım, hep sevdım...

Ruhun hımayem altında.. hep mutlu hep parlak hep guclu kalacaktır..
Korkuların , karanlıkların, endıselerın, goz yasların bana kalan mırasın,
Sonsuz sevgım sana verdıgım armagan..
Hoscakal bebegım..

2008-09-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

I'm the kind of girl who kicks the panty hose machine because it ripped me off. The kind who gets ready for a night out on town with friends and gets to the door then stops and says, "Nevermind. I know too many people there today." The kind who doesn't like to get noticed by strangers but can't stand to be ignored by loved ones. The kind who is afraid of everything. The kind who will smile at you if you look like you are having a bad day without even knowing your name. The kind who will talk for hours on the phone when you might not even be there. The kind who doesn't really know who she is, but will never forget what she isn't. The kind who has a hard time letting go.The kind who has OCD traits and wants everythingto be perfect. The kind who listens to the rules and follows them;for the most part. The kind who says "keep your coins, I want change". The kind who wishes she could stick up for herself as much as she sticks up for others. And most of all, I'm the kind ofgirl who wants to change the world. It’s not the big events that hurt me the most, but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into my heart...

2008-09-05T04:09:00.000-07:00

"Learning to trust may be difficult in the beginning.
It will be an exercise in futility if you rely upon your mind to create trust.
This is because the mind works on material problems by interpretting sensory data.
When turned toward spiritual matters the mind attempts to come up with intellectual answers by using proofs, logic and theoretical reasoning.
It demands assurance and proof to establish tangible results.
In contrast, the method of the herart, focused on spiritual undertsanding, is an intuitive recognition of the value of love.
Whereas the mind attempts to know the spirit by setting up conditions that must be met logically for there to be a release of love, the heart employs intuitive love as its way..
It is not a conclusion of reasoning.
It is the way of spontaneity, not the result of bargaining with the intellect.
The heart trusts the inner wisdom that it feels and spontaneously knows, whereas the mind demans scientific evidience before it will trust..."

2008-09-04T02:06:00.000-07:00

You have to find the place inside of yourself that isnt damaged or broken.
You have to find her, the little girl child thats hiding from the dark and the monsters that ripped you apart. She is hiding for her life, she is scared and crying silently, but you have to find her before its too late..

You have to help that little girl come out into the light.. you have to teach that child that no matter what anyone does to you, that you will always hold your head high because in the end, its not who hurts you that matters its who you hurt in turn.. and its more important to have a clear conscıence and heart than to be whole..

You have to hold that childs hand, and tell her that your wounds hurt like hell, and you are hurtıng and bleedıng and look lıke you will never be whole agaın, but once they heal you will be stronger than ever.. that being strong means having to bear the worst of the winds and the worst of the storms... that being strong means you can grow and reach up to the sky and not crumble to the floor.. that once you are strong enough, that nothing and noone can every hurt you again, not unless you let them.. you have to teach her, that there are people that would never ever hurt her, but she has to look into their eyes and feel their heart beat against her lips, and then she can know for sure whether to let them in or not.. but until then, she will stand tall and strong against all words and actions.. because she has a heart of gold that will never be lost and will shine even in the darkest of nights..

You have to teach her that in time, she will smile again, that she will laugh again, that she will smile when all she does is just hear the one she loves smile.. you have to show her that touching and sharing heals, and she shouldnt shut down from the world.. that she should go play in the grass, and draw in the sand, and scream out loud.. because the pain will leave her body and soul and heart, but only if she lets it...

You must teach her not to welcome and befriend the dark world of sadness.. you must teach her not to get lost in the pain and tears.. teach her to see the rainbow behind the storm, the crystal icicles after the snow, the silk inside the worm, the sun behind the clouds, the butterfly inside the caterpillar..

You must teach her to be strong and to say NO when something hurts, and YES when something feels right.. you must teach her that she can play and laugh and learn and still be taken serıously..

You have to teach that little girl that LOVE is all that matters, and even if you love and dont get anything in return, that TRUE LOVE is unconditional and people make mistakes.. you have to teach her that people have pains and sorrows and sometimes they take them out on you.. but show her that you dont have to be that way, that you can take your pain and learn from it, that you dont have to make someone else pay for someone elses mistakes.. you have to teach her that whoever took that shine from your eyes, you can take yourself away from them.. and late at night when the world sleeps and he cant sleep, then he will hurt inside and realize what he has done and that he must then face his demons on his own.. you must make her understand, that his pain is his and yours is yours and even though you tried for a long long time to make him well and that no matter how much you fought till your last breath, you could never make him whole again because in the end, its up to each and every one of us to take care of our insides so that we can give good and be good.. You have to teach her that you dont have to get even with people or hurt them back.. because in the end, everyone sees the truth and they must live with that truth all on their own..

You have to make her realize that you didnt love the man, that you loved the soul and heart and angel inside of him..

and in the end before you let her hand go so she can face the world on her own,

You have to teach her to learn to forgive herself before she can even begin to forgive others....

2008-03-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

she needs someone that is there all the time..
she needs someone that will hold her hand and hug her when shes sad..
she needs someone that always makes her laugh.
she needs someone scared to death of losing her.
she needs someone that will work on the relationship and not run away..
she needs someone that cares how she feels and lets her see that he cares.
she needs someone that listens to her concerns and works on easing them.
she needs someone that does not hang up on her.
she needs someone that answers the phone no matter who is around and where he is.
she needs someone that she can get in contact with through his family or friends if need be..
she needs someone that doesnt call her controlling when she tells him to call her , if he says he will call her.
she needs someone that keeps his promises.
she needs someone that doesnt hide her from certain people..
she needs someone that does not make her soul scared.
she needs someone that cannot bear to be away from her..
she needs someone that makes her feel special..
she needs someone that talks to her about her fears and concerns, and just doesnt say "this is how i am , deal with it"
she needs someone that listens to her feelings and finds solutions and ACTS on those solutions..
she needs someone that doesnt lose his temper when things dont happen the way he wants them to.
she needs someone that she trusts..
she needs someone that helps her trust him.. that does WHATEVER needs to be done, for her to trust him..

she needs someone to love her, the unconditional perfect way she loves him.

2008-02-13T01:50:00.000-08:00

the unhinged mind can produce heartbreaking things..
the sould that slumbers in the alleys of the heart, cannot find rest for fear of ambush..
but the mind can conceive of many many tragedies..

There is a fragile delicate balance between fighting and conquering love, or being devoured by things unconceivable by the mind.

A love so pure, that the entrance of the enamored will only cause tarnishings..

2008-02-12T08:01:00.000-08:00

its a feeling inside the heart.. a feeling of love and unrequital
its a feeling in the soul.. a heaviness that wont let her fly
its a feeling in the eyes.. that cause the tears to fall.

its sadness during a carnival, its winter in the carribean, its loving blue music but only hearing red, its listening to jazz and finding herself in between the notes.. its phantoms in the night that dont disappear during the day, its angelic whisperings during frightful nighmares..

its dreams coming apart at the seams..

its wanting to scream at the top of her lungs, and discovering she has no voice..

its not being close to you that is causing her to slowly come undone...

its the nearness of you.. without you.

2008-02-08T04:59:00.000-08:00

Corinthians Chapter 13

If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,
it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.
For we know partially and we prophesy partially,
but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.

So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

2008-02-07T07:48:00.000-08:00

maybe my heart told your heart it had a parking place inside,

or that we both like riding fast and doing things at night.!!!

maybe my heart felt your heart had secrets that would make me smile

or maybe that we both are little babies inside..

maybe our hearts have the same favorite colors and they found each other that way,or maybe it was because they both like yatching best and always want summer to stay...

maybe our hearts hear the same song & dance a 'lil tango, or maybe they found the childhood treasures they lost inside the other..

maybe your heart sent mine a message saying, "i've been waiting for you. let's go love," or maybe when it comes to things like this, there isn't any reason.

*hearts just know*

2008-02-07T04:19:00.000-08:00

when you are in TOTAL love, you are in total trust
and total devotion

and when one day that trust is thrown in your face
the hurt inside is akin to being burned alive..
but its on the inside..
and you are screaming inside but no sounds can be heard.

you cannot breathe.. you cannot feel..
you cannot remember a time when there was no pain..

you try to remember when you laughed last
or smiled last
and its too tiring to even remember so you stop.

you try to grasp reality
but your mind cannot and will not

because if it does, once it does..
you will fall apart..

you make up lies to fill the voids left from his words..

you feel as if pieces of your heart are floating about
and you feel as if your stomach has been torn from your body
and your brain feels as if it is above looking down and trying to find the pieces of
yourself to put you back together

but your eyes cannot see. they have been blinded by the truth
they have been blinded by the tears
they are blind. you are blind.

you see pieces of the sunset and you try to remember why you loved it so much
you smell coffee and try to remember when it didnt sicken you so
and then you try to remember if the words spoken to you mentioned that they had coffee also
and you try to figure out if you hate the sunset and sunrise because the monstrous act happened
between those two points in time..

and you realize this is why you havent been able to sleep for days
and this is why you have nightmares you wake up from and dont remember
and you realize what you knew all along..

and you are sad to realize that happy endings only happen in fairy tales
and you are terrified that the big bad wolf has come to gobble you up
but you dont have any strength left to run away..

jan.31.08

2007-07-11T06:04:00.000-07:00

Ben sana erken..sen bana gec kaldın sevgılı..

Gozundekı pırıltı, gulusundekı masumıyet

Cogu kendı varlıgımın aynasıydı..

Sende var olmayan , benım yarattıgım.

Sen sen olmadın hıc.Benım yarattıgım kahramandın

Ee oyle ya, o yuzden gun geldıgınde kurtarmaktan yana degıldın..

O vazıfenın altından kalkamazdın..

Ben kımdım kı? Ne hakla sana bunları yukledım

Oysa sen varlıgı kanıtlanmamıs bır ”ask”tın

Benımdın benden ıbarettın sade ve sadece..

Ben senı sevmekten vazgectıgımde

Bana aslında borclu kaldın.. kendımı kattım sana sonradan farkına vardım

Plastık dunyan, sahte gulusler etrafında, ve ardında saklı olan..

Gordugum hıssettıgım sandıgım yanılıslarım vardı..

Istedıgını bılmemek, bıldıklerını uygulayamamak

Gucsuz, ısteksız, ıstedıgındede cesaretsız koca bır bebe..

Suslu puslu masken Gul pembe bakan gozlerım

Ben baslamadan kaybetmıstım aslında ama haberım yoktu..

2007-06-11T04:10:00.001-07:00

& sometimes when you say ENOUGH , it should be enough..

& losing you is like waking up from an overdoes and realizing your are still alive.

2007-04-06T03:19:00.000-07:00

I knew it would catch up to me someday..
All this running and hiding and playing
hide and seek and hide again ..

I cannot possibly breathe today.

I am suffocating with no savior in sight

I read today in the paper
the girl who said,
"will you die with me"
and the boy who said
"of course"

so there was an accident and there are wounds that may never heal
but even their story has an end , while mine can never start. ever again.

i am the living dead. the "monster" took me from myself.
unforgivable unforgettable.
broke apart my soul.

2007-02-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

it doesnt make sense.. these words dont make sense.. i cant make sense.. of this emptiness.. and your apathy.. and your irony.. and the hurt will pass.. it always passes.. and i will go on.. and you will go on.. and you will find your place.. while i pick up the pieces you left along the way.. and i keep them safe.. for you to find.. another day... and i remember your voice.. and the sadness you hide so well.. and the mean spiteful words you said.. and the way you hid.. and i know the truth.. that you are lost.. but if you come back.. i will give you back.. just promise one thing.. bring me back.. i miss your words.. i miss your ways.. but most of all... i miss.. myself..

2007-02-19T12:38:00.000-08:00

aglarken nefesini tutmak nedir bilir misin..
sirf melekler gucenmesin diye ses cikarmamak.

kokumu ozler misin arada bir?
zor olsa gerek; icinde bu savasi tasimak

kendi kiriklarimi tasimak bile cazip gelmiyor artik..
ustelik seninkileri nereye sakladigimi unutmakta korkutmuyor degil.

konustuklarimda anlam yok. bakislarimda pirilti yok. nefesimde sensizlik. kulaklarimda sessizlik. hickirigimda masum isyanlar. duyabilene aci hikayem. hissedene aci ifadem.

ve hala ve hala; tum durustlugumle
sen mutlu ol yeter
diyebilmek
ve
inanmak.

2007-01-19T02:51:00.000-08:00

you.shouldnt.keep.in.touch every.time.you.do.i.lose.pieces.of.myself.in.the.rubble please.go..

i.am.your.beautiful.disaster ive.set.you.free now.its.time.for.you.to.return.the.favor

it.didnt.have.to.end.this.way
but.it.must....

2006-10-12T01:28:00.000-07:00

Ben ve hayat hikayem,
ve sen, Kendine rol bulamamış bir oyuncu ...
Çek git, ya da kal.
Her ne yaparsan yap,
Ama Şerefli ol...Oyuna Layık bir biçimde var ol..

Taraf tutmuyorsanda, bir seçenek seçemiyorsanda, veya sunamıyorsanda çaba göstermiyorsundur.. Sadece varlığına dayalı bir insanlık biçimin mümkünatı yok! Bu yüzdende çekip gitmeyi seçmelisin...

2006-10-10T00:04:00.000-07:00

" I reached a place where every light is muted,

which bellows like the sea beneath a tempest,when it is battered by opposing winds.

The hellish hurricane, which never rests,

drives on the spirits with its violence:wheeling and pounding,

it harasses them." The Inferno

There are eyes that eat your soul, and words that strip it dry...

2006-10-06T05:24:00.000-07:00

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to
replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of
illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. Anais Nin

2006-10-05T04:39:00.000-07:00

Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

*********************************************************
Joel: Wait.
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. Just wait... for a while.

*********************************************************

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind revolves around two quotes. The first is from Alexander Pope's "Eloisa to Abelard," in which the poet takes on the voice of a young woman at war (as all of Pope's protagonists seem to be on some level) between feelings of love and religiosity:

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!The world forgetting, by the world forgot.Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.y

The second is from Nietsche's Beyond Good and Evil, Part VII: "Blessed are the forgetful: for they shall have done with their stupidities too."

2006-10-03T01:23:00.000-07:00

If you stay or go, it won't matter any way..

But if you Stay, get close so I can touch & kiss & pull & bite & lick & gasp & sigh & sleep close by..

Or go so far far away that I forget I even knew your name :x)

2006-10-02T04:51:00.000-07:00

expectation is premeditated resentment...

2006-10-02T01:59:00.000-07:00

On the phone a year later, he asked her if she missed him.Her reply was "I don't miss you, i miss the guy who called me every second he could, who sat home on Saturday nights when we couldn't be together thinking of me..the guy who came to my house after every fight, the guy who told me I looked like a *star*, that's the guy i miss. How could I miss you? I don'teven know you."

2006-10-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

Gerçekler çoktan önemini yitirdi bizim için

Belirtilerimde belirsizdi bazen

Oysa inanmamak daha güçsüz kıldı beni.

Marifetliydim, tek başıma yarattım
hem cezamı hem hapisimi
Aramızdaki yaralar çok derindi...

Içimdede bir hastalık..!!!

Hem belirtileri, hem tedavisi

Senin gözlerinde..

Hala saf, hala inatçı, hala umutluydum ben
Içimdeki acı çok silikti
Belli belirsiz bir çöküntü

Gözlerimden okunan hüzün ve icindeki sen Varlığı kanıtlanmamış kahraman..

2006-09-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

Ruhum hala ıslak..

o geceden kalan son hatıra.

Miras bırakılan izlerde eskisi kadar sızlamıyor.

Kırıntılarla evi bulan masal kahramanlara imrenmememin mümkünatı yok.. Kalbimin kırıntıları rüzgarlarla dağıldı, bu yüzden yolumu bulamaz oldum.

Kaderime Azrail bile boyun büktü. Yaklaşmıyor her ne kadar çırpınsamda

Ölüm bile, kara kara geldiğinde, cazip bulmuyor beni

Oysa Melek'lerin yüz karası oldum olalı beklerdim hep, sadece beklerdim..

Bakışlarım silik, dokunuşlarım tedirgin, dudaklarımda sırlar,

sadece duymayı bilenlere...

Uzak dur dedikce yaklaşan,

korkularıma savaş açan..

inceden gönlümü yakan

olmadı hiç..

Siyahi bir sevgi, masum bir nefret. aldı beni benden bu akşam..

2006-09-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

karanlıkta boğulmak..
aydınlıkta boğulmaktan daha bir telaşlı , daha bir mat
boynumda, göğusümde, kirpiklerimde görünmeyen ihtiraslı parmaklar..

gözlerimden akıyor hayallerim
ve tutamıyorum ki, engelleyemiyorum da
akıp gittikçe bir fena oluyor ruhum

sinsice bakıp , kahkahalı gülen gölgeler
alay edercesine sarıyor tenimi
tadı dudaklarımda, dilim yetmez silmeye
yetmiyor kurtarmaya, ne sen, ne o, ne de ben..

başarısızlığımın simgesi olmalı bu
tutamadığım tadamadığım...
kıvrımlarımdan akıp geçen bir sonbahar rüzgarı gibi..

2006-09-28T00:28:00.000-07:00

If he says he needs space
Tell him to join NASA.

2006-09-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in a world they've been given rather than to explore the power they have to change it.

Because street lights and stop signs are all that distance means. Freeways and freedays are heaven to me. Love is a behavior, not a feeling. It's the way somebody treats you everyday, all day, not just when their life is going well. It's the way that those who love

will put up with you, not just when you are happy and lovable

but when you are a witch and mean and nasty. It's them being

there for you , in sickness & in health, in drunken nights

& hangover mornings...

So I'll walk the plank, yeah, I'll jump with a smile.. if I'm gonna go down, I'm gonna do it with style... You won't see me surrender, you won't hear me confess, because you've left me with nothing... but I've worked with much much less ;+)

She's not like that now. She knows better. She knows now that people lie and promises can be broken as quick as they're made. She understands that she might never be loved and too quickly good things fly in front of our eyes before we can reach out and grab them. She knows that you can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for a while, that's why. Not everything in life comes easy but, when you work the hardest, that's when it's the best. You can't always expect people to care and even when your best friend stabs you in the front, don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. She has found out too soon, that in the end you're your own best friend. Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell but, you can't stop it. You can't change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge. You don't know what it is and when it happens it will h i t you like a ton of bricks. At some point when you have experienced everything you can, the words "Life" and "Risk" won't mean anything to you anymore but, don't try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on you. And that happens because thats the way its supposed to be. But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But, it might catch you off guard and happen sooner. I mean, ask her. She knows.....

2006-09-27T00:47:00.000-07:00

01. I miss somebody right now.

002. I watch more tv than I used to.

003. I love olives.

004. I love sleeping.

005. I own a home.

006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.

007. I love to play PS2.

008. I've done something stupid.

009. I love baby powder.

0010. I don't comprehend those who use people physically

011. I have a love/hate relationship with South Park

012. I like my handwriting.

013. I dont have anything better to do.

014. I always have caviar in my fridge.

015. I never curse.

016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.

017. I have a hobby.

018. I've been flying since I was 9 months old.

019. I carry my knife/razor/whip/whatever weapon you want here everywhere with me.

020. I'm really smart.

021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.

022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.

023. I love rain.

024. I'm paranoid at times.

025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

026. I need to paint my floors.

027. I love sushi.

028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.

029. I have fresh breath in the morning.

030. I have semi-long hair.

031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.

032. I have at least one brother and sister.

033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

034. I love kisses at dawn.

035. I have two dogs and a cat.

036. I have told many people that I don't love them.

037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.

038. I like my teeth.

039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.

040. I know how to do cornrows.

041. I am usually pessimistic.

042. I have mood swings.

043. I know how to change a tire.

044. I think Nemo is underrated.

045. I have mentally cheated on a significant other.

046. I have a hidden talent.

047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.

048. I love to pretend I'm asleep when there are people around.

049. I am currently single.

050. I have phobias about ants.

051. I enjoy talking on the phone.

052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.

053. I love to shop.

054. I would rather shop than eat.

055. I would classify myself as ghetto at heart.

056. I'm bourgeoisie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.

057. I'm obsessed with my diary.

058. I don't hate anyone.

059. I'm a pretty good dancer.

060. I drink Raki straight Up.

061. I'm not completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.

062. I have a cell phone.

063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.

064. I like classical music.

065. I used to compete in Horse Shows.

066. I am a natural blonde.

067. I have never been in a real relationship before.

068. I've rejected someone before.

069. I currently have a crush on someone.

070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

071. I want to have children in the future.

072. I have changed a diaper before.

073. I've had the cops called on me before.

074. I always wear red nail polish.

075. I am a member of BPD Nook.

076. I'm not allergic to anything.

077. I have a lot to learn.

078. I have dated someone at least 6 years older or younger.

079. I plan on seeing all movies concerning cars or pirates.

080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.

081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message

082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.

083. I have been rejected by someone.

084. I have kissed someone who had a girlfriend.

085. I collect matches.

086. I have more friends overseas than where I live.

087. I play cards as well as any man.

088. I enjoy country music.

089. I love my best friend(s).

090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.

091. I watch Grey’s Anatomy whenever I can.

092. I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist

093. I plan on buying a Zebra when I grow up.

094. I love Jessica Simpson, scandals and all.

095. I sleepwalk and sleeptalk.

096. Halloween is awesome!

097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.

098. I have had my close friends’ ex’s hit on me.

099. I'm happy as of this moment.

100. I have gone scuba diving.

101. I Have had a crush on somebody you have never met.

102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.

103. I play a musical instrument.

104. I strongly dislike math but I am in Finance.

105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.

106. I own and use a library card.

107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."

108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.

109. I think Closer is one of the greatest movies ever.

110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "Grey’s Anatomy."

111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.

112. I am an entirely different person around different people.

113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.

114. I think ramen is one of the best foods in the whole world.

115. I am suffering of a broken heart.

116. I am a nerd.

117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.

118. I am right handed and proud of it.

119. I try not to change who I am for someone.

120. My heart resides below my feet.

121. I am dyslexic.

122. I enjoy smoothies.

123. I have had major surgery.

124. I have adopted a pet.

125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.

126. Some people call me by a nickname

127. I steal rocks from places I go.

128. I like pumpkin pie.

129. I love NASCAR!

130. I own over 50 CDs.

131. I work 5 days a week.

132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.

133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.

134. I'm still in my PJs.

135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.

136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong boys, or have them fall for me, so I can't help but reciprocate.

137. I'll try anything three times.

138. I love glitter.

139. I'm having trouble sleeping.

140. I am a cuddler.

141. I love films with Jude Law.

142. I give come -hither looks without being aware.

143. Sloth is my favorite deadly sin.

144. I decide if I like people by how they smell.

145. I know all the words to the "Sex & the City" theme song.

146. I love Diet Coke

147. I'm a programmer.

148. I can't explain why I'm unhappy at times.

149. I own and have read all of the Tower books.

150. I like to smell my own hair.

151. I carry a book with me almost everywhere I go.

152. I have a heart disorder.

153. I have flown to a different country to see a band.

154. I have been hospitalized for "mental issues".

155. I have survived totaling a car I was driving.

156. I am addicted to a icons.

157. Somehow I always seem to get myself into trouble.

158. I have dated someone for longer than 6 months.

159. I have scars from falling, getting bit, getting stuck.

160. I have lived in two different countries.

161. I have a tattoo.

162. I have lost someone I cared about deeply.

163. I've filled out an obscenely long quiz.

164. I am not human until I have had some form of caffiene.

165. I can't use can openers..

166. I can cook gourmet.

2006-09-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that somehow, that somewhere along the way, I lost my voice. And now when I really need to speak up, when I really need to tell you something, I can't. And I bite my tongue, and I dig my nails into my hands and I squeeze my eyes shut when the tears begin to well in them. And what is there to do except repeat the profound feeling of hate? But I don't hate you, I love you and this is the problem. And you can accuse me of being cold, or cruel, or not caring, but I care. I care so much that every stupid thing you do makes my heart sick.

2006-09-27T00:06:00.000-07:00

I don't want to see you anymore

I'm just not that strong

I love it when you're here

but I'm better when you're gone

If my silence means nothing to you, you won't even begin to understand my words

It's like poker - what do you do when you have a crappy hand? Be safe and fold, keep what you've got or do you go all in, hoping you'll fool them all, in that case you win the pot? Even if your poker face is terrible remember: take the chance. You've got one shot before he redeals. Go with it

You're the king of excuses, I'm the queen of mixed signals. Together, we're sort of a beautiful disaster.

I want someone who knows I'm completely insane and they wouldn't want me any other way.

Our hands touched. Not purposely. Not slowly.Really quickly. And we both looked at each other.Because we both felt the elctricity.And we both knew what it meant...

2006-09-25T06:48:00.000-07:00

you ARE this sickness inside trying to break free
in my bile, nauseating as I Try to breathe

''TREAT ME LIKE A LADY!'' I scream
all you do is say ''I'm MISTER IMPORTANT, PLEASE LET ME BE''

fuCK YOUR job, fuCK your money, fuCK all those little pills
FUCK your music, Fuck your Hoes, Fuck your all important E . G . O .
but don't you DARE fuCK with Me..

I'll take over your nights & paint your nightmares red
while you wake up screaming checking your body for tears
I'll float through your days & cause you fear
SPITTING UP BLOOD is what you need..

hey honey this is the boulevard of Last chances,
come give me a kiss
and I just might let you be.....

2006-09-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

seninle daha farklı zamanda tanışmalıydım..

daha erken veya daha da geç

ya ben daha masumken, ya da daha çok kirlenmişken..

daha iyi olurdu , yaralarımın ağırlığını taşımaya çalışmazdım.. bi yandanda sen..

ya da daha geç olsaydı, yaralarımın hafifliği kabuk bağlamış olursaydı,,

belki seni yaralardım ama kendim korunurdum..

'ben ne yaptığımı bilsem zaten!!!' bakışlarımla dolanırken değil

'ben sana da yeterim... kendimede... sen hiç endişelenme' sarhoşluğuyla konuşurdum seninle..

2006-09-21T04:36:00.000-07:00

A song for loretta-baby

I let my guard down
In a momentary lapse of emotion
And it just slipped out
That we both knew my heart could be broke

I said something I never intended to say You stopped laughing And asked me, "do you feel alone in that way"

Do you trip on love
Do you run from magic
When you kiss someone
Do you make it tragic
If you feel too much
Do you start to panic
When your word comes out
Do you trip on love

I just stood there
Had expected another reaction
Out of thin air
In the strangest sense of satisfaction
Can you tell me
How you see me somewhere
And if you held me
Would you let me see a part of yourself
When we go
Do we say
This means less than we know it does
Please tell me

When your word comes out do you trip on love
Don't you wanna love me no more
That is why I love you so much
That is why I hate you so much

2006-09-21T04:29:00.000-07:00

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a LOSER in aluminum foil.

You can't put one relationship on hold for another... It's like call waiting. You leave one person on hold long enough, they're gonna hang up.

LOST is when you, Love someone Over a period of time who then Somehow Threw your heart out and now you cant find it.

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating, or haven't dated at all. It's not about the number of girls you screw or the ones who love you. It's not about the people who love you for the possessions you have. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or your body or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it's not about grades, your car, your money, clothes, or the college that you go to. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that. But life is about who you love, and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness, and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about telling the truth to people and to yourself. It's about trying to keep from hurting people and if you do hurt them apologizing for it. It's about seeing people for who they truly are....

Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.

Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

Some girls&guys are like pennies..Two faced and worthless.

I remember when getting high meant on the swings, the worst thing you could get from a boy was cooties. when mom was your Hero, and dad was the boy you were gonna Marry. Race issues were who ran the fastest. and war was a card game. life was simple. but what i remember most...is [[*----->wAnTiNg To gRoW uP<-----*]

No matter what happens, I'm gonna make it, if I'm not happy, I'll just have to fake it. I've been through backstabs, scumbags and lies, I've got a whole list of people I despise. So if you got my trust, don't lose it, and if you've got my love, don't abuse it.

It's easy to convince yourself that you aren't in love with someone..until you see them in the street...or smell someone wearing their cologne, and you're like, "here we go again"...so my conclusion is this: you don't ever stop loving someone, its more of a matter of learning how to deal with the pain of not having them anymore.

Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option.

It may seem like the wrong thing to do, but you have to forget about that boy that forgot about you.

It's too late to talk to you, but it's still too early to say goodbye. I just want you to know that wherever you are, you're still on my mind. It's never easy to understand why memories hold our hands, but people let go..

Friends are like television. Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch anyway. And then there are the ones like the commercials, always changes, ever-so-annoying and only seem to be there when you are bored. But every once and a while you meet someone who's like a really good movie of the week or that one tv show you hardly ever get to see anymore because you're so busy. My point is hold on to the friends you care about and since we don't have a remote control to mute someone or just change the channel, pick your friends carefully.

Do you realize that when people say "you've changed" it just means you've stopped living life their way?

Girls don't lie. We just alter the truth.

Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest. Laugh as much as you can, spend all your money, tell someone what they mean to you, tell someone off, speak out, dance in the rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, pig out, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, smile til' your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love...and most of all, live in the moment cause when you look back someday knowing you have no regrets. It's going to be what makes you smile.

Yes there are other fish in the sea...but I think there's a hole in my net.

in every barbie and ken relationship, there is always a theresa to screw everything up.

They ignore each other, They both look the other way, Because they both know It wasn’t supposed to end this way

2006-09-21T04:27:00.000-07:00

there`s a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it`s not * giving up. it`s realizing that you don`t need certain people and all of the bullshit that they bring.

geri donceenden o kdr emindim ki... bu yuzden agladiim gunlerin ve korkulu gecelerimin yukunu tatli bi huzunle tasidim uzerimde.. hayati ne kdr anladim desende ne kdr yasadim desende gun gelecek o en acilari ve en mululuklari yasadigin an beni yaninda arayaacaandan o kdr emindim ki... ellerim uzandi telefonlara defalarca ama filmin sonunun hep ayni bittigini ve biteceeni hatirlayip hep usulca kendimi tuttum... ee geri dondunde ne oldu?

sadece daha guclu, daha guzel, daha parlak, daha mutlu, daha acimasiz, daha huzurlu, daha duygulu, daha hircin, daha emin, daha akilli, daha sempatik, daha heyecanli, daha tehlikeli bir Ben buldun karsinda... vee bi zamanlar hayatimin anlami olan SEN, bir hice donustugunu gordugunde bir tek soylemek istedigim soz vardir sana o da..

*TESEKKUR EDERIM*

2006-09-21T04:25:00.000-07:00

Ashkimin sinirlari yok..
3 gun evden dışarı atmadığımızda bile; yanimda olmadigin her saniye kalbime agrilar saplandi.. ben uyurken saatlerce yuzumu open..
uyandigimda saatlerce gozlerime bakan..
konusmadan anlatan; dokunmadan hissettiren; dokundugunda duvarlarimi yikan sen..
hem aşım, hem eşım, hem varoluşum...
agladigimda kucaklayan; sensizlikten nefes alamadigimda nefes veren; sevgimden korkup kacan ama bensiz kalamayan..
simsiki sarilip nefesimi alan; bir bakisinla icimdeki atesi var eden..
her saniye dokunmak isteyen ben; sensiz olamayan ben; bir butun olmak isteyen,
dunya dursa renkler solsa hersey yansa umrumda olmayisinin nedeni sen...!!!
hayatimi bedenimi son nefesimi verirdim mutlulugun icin..
ve çoktaaan verdim bile..