the loneliness crept up on him. a stealthy opponent that he had lost the will to armour himself against. the sneakiness caught him by surprise. he realized he had grown cold and callous. he actually gave up on a cold evening many years ago, on an evening he had long ago forgotten about but which kept its tentacles latched into the insides of him. and attacked everything pure and whole that came close to caressing his soul.

If I were Queen, I would pass a law making it punishable for any adjectives to be used to describe me.

Only possessive nouns would be allowed.

I would like to apologıze immensely for the sadness in my voice. I cannot find anywhere else to place it and it seems to have taken up residence in my insides.

Perhaps, you and I are too rough sometimes. Me, as I try in vain, to hide my basorexia for you. And you, as you nonchalantly armor your heart against my advances while whispering unintelligible protests.

Turning my teeth towards yours, shining with my appetence for you and yours, gently trembling as I ravage you blindly, wildly. A slow crescendo. Getting my fill of you, my cacoethes.

(hush hush don’t move) fingertips tracing my chaccone deeper into your skin.

I dismantle you madly, instinctively.
Leaving in the morning, albeit too silently yet fervently.

Overwhelmed, I go in search of rain.

You see wisps of flashes and you try to get closer. You see past his words and actions and the hurtful way of being that has been ingrained into the pieces that make him him. You disregard the pain he causes because you view yourself a Saint. You try to find his wounds. You try to withstand the maniacal glee he has while stabbing you to pieces with his words. You wish you had an ego that would rise up and rage war against his rather than a heart that softly beckons to the innate goodness you are adament to find. And you are soft inside. You don’t have sharp edges like he does. You can’t protect yourself. You don’t want to. You cannot imagine life that way. The way he lives it. So empty with feeling yet so full of words. Yet you still keep hope and try to be the candle that lights the way for the glimmer you see inside. The glimmer that you want for yourself. It isn’t sainthood – yours - but just an aching need to catch that glimmer that resides between the rotting of his insides. But you should know. Sometimes, what you see is really what there is. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes silence is just silence and not a space pregnant with yearning and meaning and passion. It is what it is. Some things cannnot be taught. Like seeing with your heart and not your eyes. Like cherishing the moments right before the sunset when everything looks shiny and glittery and whole. You just know these things. And, unfortunately, some people just don’t…

I have a weariness that rests between my eyelashes
I have letters that cannot form - words lodged between my teeth
I have suffocating nightmares in which my soul just. will. not. slumber.

I wake up and the world goes on. I sleep and the world goes on. In between waking and dreaming is my playground. My vast expanse.

In this room, with the curtains drawn. With the lights on. With my fingers caressing my coffee mug.  With my sorrowful jazz.

This is where I miss you most..

Sometimes i forget why. I feel it weighing on me. It eats me apart. It coats my insides and weighs my heart. My body. I flutter but i get more trapped. And i am so exhausted i dont remember why. I am so exhausted from trying to keep myself together. To keep my skin from falling off my body. To keep my heart from skipping beats. To keep my soul from expiring. I try so hard. And i stop and try to remember why ? and then i remember… I remember everything. It comes crashing into my like a tsunami slamming into my very being. And i am so very weary. I am so very sorry. I dont know how much longer i can keep this up. Im trying. I really am. But it is so tiring. I cant even lift my hands up to wipe away my tears. I cannot sleep for fear of forgetting. And then remembering. Its the re-remembering that gets me every time…

Cumlelerının arasında kendımı buluyorum. Kelımelerın kaplıyor, ısıtıyor
Harflerının arasında kadınları goruyorum. Kelımelerın boguyor, yakıyor

Dusundukce yoruluyorum.

her grief astounds her insides
containing it has become tedious and tiresome.

she does not believe in your smile
yet she aches to see
if it will blind her as she imagines it would.

she touches the air where she knows
your molecules have passed
in the past
you are the past.

slipping falling crawling slippery vicious
a melody that follows her
playing in her head, constantly.
haunting taunting.

her insides are ill but she cannot speak
dancing whirling
such a bereft expression between her teeth.

monday right after sunday
blues to the bones
coffee so cold and lonesome yet so true.
so pure.

her intentions got strangled in between the racous of your words
the grotesque shape of your mouth
the illness spreading from you
permeating the air and resting inside.

that heavy something found itself stuck between her eyelashes.
she refined herself
so however much she sinks underneath your words
she will shine
in you.

Içim içime sinmiyor.
Ruhum parmaklarımdan akarak gidiyor.

Gözlerimde fırtınalar ama gösterememek beni boğuyor.

Tamam derken, oldu derken, tekrar fırtınalara kapılmak. Tekrar kendi aklımın içersinde kaybolmak. Korku dehşet saçan o hayalgücüm.
Kıvrılmam gerek. Yorgunum. Çok yorgun.

Bilip yapamamak. Yapıp bilmemek. Kafatasımdakı o korkunç çığlıklar yankılanıyor.

Delilerin gülüşüne sahip oldum sen görmeyeli. Ordan burdan topladım süsledim tenimi. Kapladım kendimi yaralarla. Sen geldiğinde sanat eserini göstermek dileğiyle.

Gece yarısı sıçradığını biliyorum. O içine attığın anları, kendine yakıştırmayıpta genede yaptıklarının vicdan azabıyla boğuştuğunu biliyorum. Ben aslında çok şey biliyorum. Hep söylerdin bana. Çok bilmişimde bir kendime çarem yokmuş meğersem.

Şimdi asıl mesela, seninle birlikte mı boğulsam yoksa tek başıma yüzmeye mi çalışsam..

Ne dersin ey varlığı kanıtlanmamış kahraman?

Darling.
This.
Song.
Is.
For.
You.

sexnjazzinyourbloodrushingabout
Doyoufeeltherushinside?

Oh yeah...

You can't be sad when the world has music like this. And places like Positano. And heady Spanish wine rich with berry undertones.

Now.. can you ?

but he tells you he's serene and calm and happy. and you want to punch him. cause him pain. let him realize that you are not OK and that you are swimming in a sea of haze. a sea of haze that he caused. and you feel ashamed that you feel this way. you say you love him. so how could you wish him harm. oh but you do. grievous harm. you want him to be sad and weepy and melancholic. you want to be his saviour and his balm. but no. he takes that from you. your eyes send daggers. but you smile. you say , "oh that is so nice to hear. i am so happy for you". but you don't mean it. just like he didn't mean it when he said so many little things that added up to something BIG. you feel contrite. you feel ashamed. you want him happy. you wish him well. you turn to go. from the corner of your eye you see him watching you. for signs of what he calls "falling-apart madness". but you are clever. you hide it well. you won't give him the satisfaction. you walk away. he stand there. you don't turn. you never do. he never knows the truth. he never will. you like it that way.

You ask me where I am. It is difficult to tell you when you have limited knowledge of those infinitely minute details that make life life.

I am between the crisp sounds your bedsheets make at night when you fall heavily into them.

I am poised between the words my favorite poets have written. You have to look for me, search for me, cajole me to give you an inkling as to where I am.

I am found in the depths of the sea, as far as I can go while holding my breath and looking for lost treasure, I am a mermaid, or a submarine, or anything free and wild and dangerous.

I am between the raindrops you try to catch on your tongue.

Somtimes, I am a whisper in your hair, calling you like a Siren. Other times I am the wind caressing your cheek.

I am meandering between the freckles on your back. The ones you cannot reach. The ones that beckon to my lips.

I am everywhere.

Yet I am no where.





there is a seductive way in which i imagine our hands will meet.
                                       there will be a great crescendo. a clashing of our wills. a merging of the steel will in our minds.
there will be a tentativeness that you will find alarming.
                                                                and wave upon wave of pure emotion will echo over you and you will be left breathless and thoughtless. that is what i imagine.
                                                                                            that is the prelude.

You don't know this but.. I think of you almost every second of every day.

I see people. And I pretend they are you. They are us. And I look at them. And they look at me. And I pretend we are having a love affair from afar.

This kills my insides. This makes me less than whole. This makes me want to go to them and shake them and scream your name.

I feel you inside of me. Still slithering around. And I am vulnerable. Even though I seem strong to you. Even though I left you with a vengeance. I am vulnerable. I find you between the notes of my favorite composers. And this is my salvation.

Ozlem oyle birsey ki.. Kendini tuttukca, onune gecmeye calistikca, cogalir.

Ama kalbin oyle kiriktir ki, oyle yaralanmissindir ki, o ozleme asla ses veremezsin.

Iste boyle birsey..

Bu satirlarimi okumayacagini bilerek yaziyorum. Kendime yaziyorum. Belkide kirilan dahada kirilgan olan kalbime, gururuma, aklima, ruhuma yaziyorum. Son sozlerini okudugumda, sanki icim kavruldu.. Yandi yandi.. Yanmadan bulandim kayboldum yok oldum. Kendimi buldugumda , ben ben degildim. Kendimi taniyamaz oldum.


Dusunmemek icin oyle bir ruh haline burundum ki.. Tartiyorum. Verdiklerimle aldiklarimi. Belki baslarda yapmam gerekeni sonlarda yaptigim icin kaybettim. Belki gercekten zararin basinda donmek kardir. Belki bazen kacmak gerek. Savasmamak gerek. Yara bere icinde kendi basina kalmamak gerek. Belki korkak olmak gerek. Korkulara savas actikca bogulmaktansa, cesaretsiz olmak gerek. Korkulara yenik dusmek gerek.

Bilemiyorum ki. Yazdikca sacmaliyorum farkindayim. Yaralarima dokunmasamda, cizliyorlar. Her yerim cizliyor. Baktigim hersey gozumu acitiyor. Duydugum her ses icimde cinliyor. Yetmiyor. Sessizlikte yetmiyor seslerde yetmiyor. Kendi salakligim boguyor beni. Sessizce, itinayla yok oluyorum.

Sucu sadece kendimde aramaya calisiyorum. Erdemli olmaya calisiyorum. Gururuma yenik dusmemeye calisiyorum. Zorlamadin ya beni ? Goz gore gore atladim bu ise. Yanliz gordugum, sandigim, hissettigim yol bu degildi. Sonu bu degildi. Hersey olabilirdi. Ama bu olmamaliydi.

Sandim. Guvendim. Istedim. Savastim. Arzuladim. INANDIM.

Bu kadar mi hikaye icindeymisim. Bu kadar mi hasarlarina layik goruldum. Bu kadar mi acimasizligi hak ettim. Bunlarda kendine sorman gereken sorular. Ama bildigim tek sey var.. er ya da gec vicdanin seninle yuzlesecek. Hesabi bana degil, ona vereceksin.

Benim icin gitme vakti geldi. Kabus dolu gecelerin sonu geldi. Kendimle gurur duyuyorum herseye ragmen.

Ben inandim, ben sevdim, ben savastim. Kaybetsemde. Sarsilsamda. Ben herseyimi verdim. Tum guzelliklerimi sundum. Ve biliyorum ki, herseye ragmen, dogrusunu yaptim.

Ya sen?

my words have gotten stuck
in places best left unsaid.

i'm sorry in advance for any inconvenience
i may
cause you.

but

as we both know,
if any inconvenience was to be had,
then words would not
have gotten stuck..

Sometimes its best to stop using your mind.
Stop using your eyes.
Stop using every single sense.

Use your heart instead.
It can never be tainted.
Let it lead the way...



Separation Serenade

I'll say i don't believe you , even when i do.

& that will be my talisman..

against the future hurts and pains i am sure you will inflict.

i think of you when i listen to this...

a breathtaking feeling of freedom, of softness, of love, of being, of peace, of everything, of everything you ever wanted to feel safe rolled into one perfect person..

the wind caressing your skin, slipping through your hair..


tasting him on your lips, like coming home in a salty kind of way..
 
being crowned with a melange of passion and peace..

While lounging about...
Listening to Baroque...
Drinking Romate Cardenal Cisneros Pedro Ximenez..

With you.





Or Listening to This...

Everything viscous and solemnly tainted. Has set up residence in the chambers. Of my heart.
Hope, peeking with a mad look about its eyes, has frozen me in place.

The moons orchestra. The ebb and flow of the ocean. At night.
My own orchestra. The push and pull of desires. Cloaked in glittery repulsion.

The recesses of my mind. Have come to terms. With this atrocity.

A love song. Missing its cadence. Jumping all over itself. Trying oh so hard, oh so much, oh so late.
 Why Do I Feel So Black & Blue ?

I wish I could. I wish I could "not give in". I wish I could. I wish I could "just not chase love".

Rachel's - Last Things Last

Catalunya, as seen by me.

It's a place you find yourself in.
When you are exhausted mentally. From trying to chase a rainbow. From trying to hold on to quicksand.

You don't like this place. You don't like this you.
Even though you don't like to give up, you know it's better than giving yourself up.

You realize that if something is true and right, its brilliance will always shine through.
You don't like this murky place you've find yourself in. But you hold the keys. So you walk away. And you don't look back.

You aren't sad. You realize that you are full of love. And you realize that while you leave pieces of your heart around, you still take the largest piece with you.

You tried. You lost. You did good.

there is a soft veneer covering her true nature.
her feelings are digging deeper whereas the luminescence glow from past betrayals are burning bright.

do you see what she sees?
can you feel what she feels?

she notices the unnoticed.
she sees your flaws and adds them to her wounds.
can you see?

she holds on. she tries. she looks about nonchalantly. she needs. she feels. she craves. she knows. she bleeds. she smiles. the smile of a disappearing chesire cat.

she doesn't want a them. she wants a you. but the distance from here, to there is splitting her seams.

she'd rather you give her your unabridged version. she'd rather see your all, sooner rather than later. she knows how time changes things. how time takes things. how time tricks you. she'd rather have you now. she'd rather trick Father Time. just once. wouldn't you ?

bazen uzaklaşmak gerek.
kendinden, insanlardan, herşeyden.
saflığını bulman gerek bazen.

kaybettiğin gülümsemeni, pırıltını, huzurunu.
yara bere kaldığında kalbin, kaplayabilmelisin kendini,
koruyabilmelisin, sessiz durabilmelisin.

isyanlarını sevmelisin,
okşamalısın,
avutmalısın.

ama içinde tutmalısın,
bırakmamalısın,
eritmelisin..

sessiz kalmalısın. isyanlarını dindirmelisin.

derin nefeslerle özüne inmelisin, ışığını orda bulmalısın.
nefesle nefsini yenmelisin.

sen sen olmalısın.

You know what I think disappointment basically is?



It's basically your abundance of imagination.You find these gaps in people, or instances, or places, and you fill those gaps with your own special colors and scents and tastes.



The gaps in people that you cannot see, are an intoxicating blank canvass just waiting to be devoured by your mind. You imagine them more of everything. More shiny, more gallant, more brave, more lovable, more charming, more truthful. Just more of everything.



And those situations you were in? In which you never could figure out just WHY oh WHY did that happen, well you fill those up with mental plaster. You paint them shades of rose and shades of yellow and perhaps a splash of blue.



And when you see the rust peep through, or your paint just isn't quite right, well thats when it all falls apart love. That's when you are smack dab in the middle of Disappointment.



It's not your fault really, it's just that your imagination sometimes just gets a tad out of hand. Reel it in, or just let it be. But never forget that sometimes people , places, things just aren't what they seem....

.

I know you’ve been hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to write before.
The words just stuck to my fingers and I couldn’t get them untangled.

topladiklarimizla var olmaya calisiriz.
kimilerini calariz baska kalplerden. kimileri ganimetimiz ruhsal savaslardan.

butun olmaya calisiriz bu kirintilarla. arariz birseyler, ama neler bilemeyiz. sorsaniz, cevap alamayiz.

birileri bazi laflar eder, icimizi acitir, ama nedenini bilemeyiz. tekrar kaplariz kendimizi. kirintilarla.